CONFESSIONAL
there's a count to four and it's my count. a singular line of each one of you systematically, straight and tall and blank, stares straight ahead. singled out and straightened out.
give me an eight count and the gun will rise straightening out a few misplaced treasures - drowning holes you took from me. this is the holiday season: the sacrilegious moment you made the demand to create.
one, two, three, four: tan and red marks on the door. one by water, two by fire, three by hand and four by steel. new bedpost marks and love comes clear. one silver bullet, one werewolf heart.

DOUBLE-A
a warm winter sunday you told to me, "tonight i think could last forever." i asked if you remembered the aching fists that struck you, that turned your face from brown to blue. like sand with a new tide, you touched your face, so slight, confused, and asked if i knew augusta and if i remembered aiken. "you have beautiful hands," you said, "the most perfect flesh i've ever seen," as you raised them to your cheek.
how was augusta. how was your trip back home. did you catch aiken on your way and was she staring at you? winking or scowling? or did you even recognize? i've been watching the whole time.

SMALL SHRINKING SALT
the less you creep away, the less the time stalks. empty chinese water torture. small shrinking salt. tiny celebration time. it's all in your head she fucking said - killing men for believing less.
she wants the mystery. i'll take the release. she takes the dust of misunderstanding. i'll eat the constant divorce.
swallow it whole, hoping for the mystery. all-consuming flood of embrace.

OBSCURED
you keep staring with all loss of reason and judgment. you watch me from a million miles away. i can almost reach out and touch your breath, but you slide just out of reach.
i've built mountains inside myself and china walls all around. and a temple for you where i pray i'm never found.
i keep staring with a secret sort of strain and an aching for your eyes. you watch me from a million miles away. i create the space between us and decorate it well as if it were worth the time i waste just to keep it alive. you never said you missed me.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO QUIET
have you ever been so quiet that the pen makes no sound. that you have no volume to even instill. have you ever been so quiet that even your greatest love looks ugly and loud. and even your whispered name was lost in a hush and a pin drop. have you ever been so quiet that the sound of a friend made you want to quit and lose the hope that you wanted to gift yourself with. have you ever wanted to stay. have you never wanted to give yourself away. have you ever been so quiet.

DON'T TELL A SOUL
i have given up on waiting because it doesn't live here. ten little secrets that i told myself, and don't tell a soul, because a soul will always tell.
where are you travis ivy? where are you ann from next door? i thought i saw you jonathan, but you always run from me.
andie, you left in a heartbeat. megan, you were never there. sewell, your idiot boy mouths your name - but you always run from me.

LOVE LETTERS
oh christessa is it right of me to expect more than a cloudy bar and a troubled head of me for you? and how can you think a brighter sky and formidable eyes from me? oh christessa, we are all connected.
every kiss could be our last. i want your eyes to be lightning and your heart a dagger. i want every kiss to be our last.
you are a rock i can't move in my mind and i am an infant you can throw in a river and never look back. could you give me one exit i deserve?
every kiss could be our last. i want your eyes to be lightning and your heart a dagger. every kiss has to be our last.
there was a time when love letters were fashionable and i had the faith in myself to admit i was someone else's. no more love letters. only promises. promises grant the lies that freedom brings. no promises. no endless possibilities of selfish unfulfillment.
every kiss could be our last. i want your eyes to be lightning and your heart a dagger. every kiss was our last.

all words © ben londa, 2000 / 2001.