exit : : words : : abrupt

CASTLE
you pull the strings, and me, i just sit here waiting for you to make up your mind. i wish you'd just leave me far behind sometimes - but when you stay, i begin searching.
there's got to be something else out there that could wash away all this fear. i don't want to lose you, but sometimes i think that i need to.
there was a time when your touch could make me high, but now it just leaves me bored. it's always, "if you're okay, then we're okay." i better keep it down now, shrug it off now. i can't face it anymore - there's no foot in the door. i've started searching.

LIMITATION COMPLEX
i never wanted this to end. i never said that i wanted you to leave, but you take your liberties as if i've packed your things for you.
i never wanted this to end. but i could never teach you how to love.

YOUR ROOM
your eyes were my favorite book and i must have every page memorized. i used to read myself to sleep every night, but now this is the quietest room i've ever been in. slow breaths - and i'm locked inside, unable to move. unwilling to move.
candlelight shadows dance from wall to wall to you to wall. all i can think as i watch you sleep is no matter how hard i try, you'll never really be mine and i'll never really be yours.
we hide so much from each other out of fear and unwillingness. every day we hide; it doesn't make sense. it just leaves us where we were - alone.
but your eyes are still my favorite book. i still have every page memorized and i still read myself to sleep every night - and that's okay.

THE FIELD
isolation and the coldest arms of abandonment outstretched from here to eternity engulfed me in their sweet suffocation. no reflection in the mirror - this is all i knew.
then i found you and eyes were opened. pieces of me that were never there before came to life. i found you, and i felt cleansed by the sweetest perfection. a look in the mirror shows a smile - this is love.
there's nothing driving me except a fear of waking up. to face a day in constant desperation pushed me further in love with focusing on my emptiness, and this is all i knew. this is all i knew.
then i found you and eyes were opened. pieces of me that were never there before came to life. i found you, and i felt cleansed by the sweetest perfection. a look in the mirror shows a smile - this is love, and this is all i know.

CURSE
you drive the knife like no other. breaking hearts is down to an art, and i don't mean just you, i mean every last one of you. the power you have over me that i could never see, and you have these angel wings that i could never touch - not because you'd never let me, but because i wouldn't know how.
this river just won't stop its flow and i just grow weaker.

STONE
every woman looks like you, except they would all sink to the bottom - and water can't cover everything. liquid as you are, hollow as you will be.

LEAVE HOME
did something happen there, something that put a wall between us? i'm supposed to be unaware and stay like this forever?
why are you holding me here? and why am i making us stay, when we both know this was over before it began?
we've played innocent and we've played dumb for too long now.
two wrongs don't make a right, they make an end.

ONE DAY
one day the heart will stop and the blood will stop and all that's left will be sleep, but i'll still be here.

AYUTHAYA
one pale body sits by the ocean, one pale body sits and stares. when you comin' home, i'll never know. my darling, i'll never know.
one pale body sits at the shoreline, soaking up sand in eastern thailand. when you gonna feel this way again. my darling, i'll never know. will you ever feel this way again? my precious darling, i'll never know. i'll never know.

DIRTY BIRD 2
and if you break my heart, i doubtfully would care, because that's how lonely i am with you, without you, it evens out the same. and every time you move, i feel more left out than when it's just me and my own head.
and the only cure, the only shake of this curse, is your worthless smile and your petty words. and i'm one hundred million miles from myself again, and right at your feet again. atrophied again.
and every night i have without you drives a million soft voices into me - a broken promise of who you are is the only truth i'll ever glean from you.

THIS IS THE NIGHT
a glowing single flame inlet between us - the silent beckoning of a strange dark fairy. distant catacombs settle turning dust, and fingers pressed together black at the tips and blushing through and through. this is the night i will die for you.
westminster abbey guards her stained twilight glass. a mysterious ember slips down from the side. with these passings and the saint agnes at our feet, honesty and so enlivened with passion for you. the lost look and the found when you cry. instinctive castle surrenders to this life. promises of resolution set beside the sun. dropping noon clarity, blind slants form this eclipse. but if the fifth one breaks, dying from the raft, nothing else matters - i met you to return.
falling over the waves in the water, shining on ice, a hundred years ahead of this will feel and call - my love poem, won't you remember me?

ABRUPT
yeah there's a name for you and yeah there's a place for you, and yeah it's nowhere near me. held for an instant, but it's nothing i want. i'd NEVER make you another page in that STUPID book of mine, i swore to myself. i shouldn't waste the time or the energy, you would probably say to me. God you know i hate it when you lie like that, because i feel it, and it MEANS something to me.
"you always make things too hard," you said. "you've always been like that. i don't know what you expect from me, and i'm not gonna find out," you said. "you're the boy always stuck in the corner, the one with too much heart and not enough of what you think you need."
god dammit, i could play you the same song over and over until my hands bleed with your name written all over it just to make you understand - but carelessness doesn't have an end to the means behind it, and thoughtlessness was never a word for me, and your name lost all its meaning in my heart when you let that fake plastic guard of yours down.
and maybe you're right, maybe things are made too difficult, and maybe i can't separate heart from hand, but maybe i'll end up whole - and you'll still be where you've always been: losing ground every single day.